Thursday, November 11, 2010

With losing family & gaining family as of late-my favorite Lilo & Stitch quotes come to mind:
"This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good. "

"'Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten. "

I am better than I was say a month ago...
closure for some things I will have to work out on my own.
Read an article that I took away some guidelines...questions to ask myself. 
~ When I think about what I'm holding onto, do I feel happy or do I yearn for the past?
~ Is what I'm holding onto helping me to move forward in my life?
~ What will be missing in my life if I let this go?
~ What can I gain if I let this go?

Simply said...difficult to apply.
Perhaps clear enough to state the obvious-it makes me sad; so of course- free it- let it all go! Ah! Easy? No, the guilt will set in.
Maybe just releasing it all into a letter I will burn upon completion to get it out into the universe or at least out of my head will work.
Actually calling the person is not an option for me. One is dead hmmm... and the other is insane, no words I would believe from her.Nor would I expect her to give me any info or verification for that matter. She has nothign to gain by giving me the truth.
Always felt the written word could be used against you so writing a letter to be used against me so NOT an option in this case.
 Refocus- Find something new that you can focus on in its place. Something that you can use as a positive replacement. My art would be an excellent diversion-too bad since Daddy died I just can't create more than a pair of earrings or two.
"The reason for closure is to be able to appreciate the positive things the future holds for you."
The Tigger must come forth and create positive memories now. 
Working on it...working on it.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Don't bend don't break...Baby, don't back down!

This ain't a song for the brokenhearted
No silent prayer for the faith departed
And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loudIt's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life
This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky, gotta make your own breaks
It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

You better stand tall
When they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break
Baby, don't back down

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Life as you know it has ceased to exist

Not for nothin....I have been told I say this little diddy...daily.
Trying to get back to Who I was before August 28th.
I am no longer anyone's daughter. Was I ever?
Since August 28, 2010 when I received a call from the hospital to tell me my father had as a I knew it has drastically changed. Finality. All hope of peace lost...gone. Only I am left to pick up the pieces of my former self.
I have not been the same.
Life goes I am constantly reminded.
A journey I am on that I had no desire to go.
Searching daily for scraps of truth in a lifetime of lies.
People try to say what they think will be helpful but none of them know.
How could they? I know they all mean well. but, this bizarre chapter of my life reads like the oddest fiction ever written.
I expect no one to understand it or "get it" as I am struggling myself.
No manual or how-to when your estranged father dies, your crazy mother omits you from the obituary and your heart is broken for so many reasons.

Bon Jovi - Hallelujah